Wherever you find it

I’ve noticed ants everywhere in the house lately. On the walls, the shoe cabinet, on my desk. It’s as if the house knows, and the insects have come out, to clean up the damage.

People are difficult to navigate; people make life difficult to navigate, which is why as I've said before, I'm always suspicious of relentlessly positive people. I suspect they don't have a very good grip on reality.

Jeanette says it best, “betrayal is betrayal wherever you find it.” And betrayal most unfortunately, always comes from those you trust.

It was a movie moment really. A moment when everything shifts and you wonder if the twenty years that stand behind you were all a lie.

I think, and this is perhaps part of my frustration, is how incredibly normal devastation can appear. We go about our quotidian little routines, allowing ourselves to be devastated only when we hear the silence, oh, the weight of the silence-- in the pockets of time during which we're free from the obligations of modern life. Somewhere between Netflix, having dinner and going for a run.

But as always, the human spirit endures-- and perhaps in time it will heal. As always, I ask myself, moving forward what kind of life do I want? Can we demand of ourselves forgiveness, or is it perhaps kinder to grant ourselves the chance to be forgetful (with time) instead.

I am incredibly lucid about one notion though. Let's never beg someone to stay. It is a not a matter of pride but rather that of self-respect. It is incredulous to me the speed with which the two are conflated. If I could sum up, I would say: There is so much pain, but yet, I am not in the fire.

And if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

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