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October 13, 2015

So for some time I've been sitting around being really miserable about the onslaught of stressors that have turned my life into a sudden worldwind.


This LDR thing confused me. Because for a while. You see, I thought that I was being "tested" by "life". But I didn't quite understand what the test was. But many miserable hours later I think I've kinda got a handle on it. This misery at is crux is fuelled by my fear of trust. You see I know I can trust G. There is not a shadow of a doubt in my mind about that.


The test was about whether I can trust myself. Can I trust myself to love this much and unconditionally when there's so much uncertainty? And you know how I feel about undertainty. 


So can I allow myself to love this freely? Honestly, I'm still terrified at the prospect. Because I think that in a way it would have been easier if the battle was not with myself. 


So what now? I don't think I can just surrender myself to uncertainty. This is idealistic and it is tempting to believe it's possible, but I'm just not that kind of person. But I think I'm going to try to trust myself a bit more each day. Just one more step in this constant process of unlearning old ways.







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